Dear zakariyyaa zainal
it's been like three days i havent seen you. but i'm already missing you so very much. i slept with your shirt every night, trying to remember how'd you smell like... it's addicting. you are addicting. and i'm addicted to you, my love.
sayang,
did you know i have 15 days left? yes, i counted every single day. like countdown gitu. it's not i'm celebrating this departure. more like trying to be ready when the time comes. i have to be ready living my life without you. i'm adjusting my heart right now, within this lil' time. i know you're gonna be just fine. well... i'm not though.
last night we fought about durian. i wanted to treat you but you said no. and i was sad because of it and decided not to reply your text back. Sayang, did you know every time you rejected me, i took one step back? it's beacause i was hurt - i am hurt. so i need time to heal even for a bit. then you texted me again while i'm in my silent mode. you said, if i have a problem, i should tell you. and of course, i said i dont have any. i know, i must have hurt you with my cold attitude. i'm sorry for that, love. i never meant it that way.
when i returned the question backatcha, you striked me like a thunder bolt. you told me that i was the problem. cuz you dont know what to do when i'm in this state. predict me or predict me not. Then i had to explain everything to you why i'm like that. Sayang, i love you. i really do. All i want is to make you happy but all you ever did was rejecting me. from the very beginning. i know and always knew you never want it any of that, but i'm a person who's gonna devoted myself to the person i love and i would do anything just to make you're the happiest man in this retarded world. And i'd blamed myself for being not good enough.
but, you said you ARE happy. you are. and asked me to stop blaming myself. My love, it's not that easy. it's not that simple. All the rejections you've given me, made me who i am now. i dont even feel safe or secure at all. i dont even know whether you love or not. i cant figure you out, at all. you're just like a maze with dead-end in every corner i turned. you asked me to let you in...but you never do the same. why is that? Why i'm the only one who always love the most?
zakariyyaa,
when will you open your eyes and notice me?
i am in front of you.
hoping to reach you, always.
yours truly,
sha
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