Dear zakariyyaa zainal,






hai..... it's been a long time since i let everything out of my chest. well, today it's gonna be one of those days. even though i have nothing to say. but my mind always loaded with words which i couldnt say. it's so frustrating. really, it is.


Zakariyyaa,
you know that we havent got much time left? this Saturday is my last day. Although i did promise you that 13th will be the last day of me but suddenly things changed. my abah asked me to pick him up at the airport this 11th - the day of my birthday. and it also the day i will never ever gonna see you again.

Dear,,
you once asked me why i need to do this? you said nobody asked me to do it. well, my love... i did this for myself. i need to move on. i need to let go of you. i need to stop holding on to something that doesnt even belong to me. you are not mine, sayang. you never wanted to be. and i have to swallow that fact down to my throat. Please dont keep me anymore. Dont lock me in your lil' cage and letting me die pathetically. I want to be free. Free from this love that bound me to the ground.


Sayang,
if you love me, i would never let you go. never cheat on you. never hurt you. never do you wrong.
never. but you didnt. and you have the nerves to even asked me to stay by your side. it's unfair, my love. please dont be so selfish. i am not your puppet. i was your bestfriend and then we were--


i wonder what is inside your semak samun head when you kissed me?
dont you feel the same way like i do?
dont you feel the love?





yours three-days-left-girl,

sha

Dear zakariyyaa zainal

it's been like three days i havent seen you. but i'm already missing you so very much. i slept with your shirt every night, trying to remember how'd you smell like... it's addicting. you are addicting. and i'm addicted to you, my love.

sayang,
did you know i have 15 days left? yes, i counted every single day. like countdown gitu. it's not i'm celebrating this departure. more like trying to be ready when the time comes. i have to be ready living my life without you. i'm adjusting my heart right now, within this lil' time. i know you're gonna be just fine. well... i'm not though.

last night we fought about durian. i wanted to treat you but you said no. and i was sad because of it and decided not to reply your text back. Sayang, did you know every time you rejected me, i took one step back? it's beacause i was hurt - i am hurt. so i need time to heal even for a bit. then you texted me again while i'm in my silent mode. you said, if i have a problem, i should tell you. and of course, i said i dont have any. i know, i must have hurt you with my cold attitude. i'm sorry for that, love. i never meant it that way.

when i returned the question backatcha, you striked me like a thunder bolt. you told me that i was the problem. cuz you dont know what to do when i'm in this state. predict me or predict me not. Then i had to explain everything to you why i'm like that. Sayang, i love you. i really do. All i want is to make you happy but all you ever did was rejecting me. from the very beginning. i know and always knew you never want it any of that, but i'm a person who's gonna devoted myself to the person i love and i would do anything just to make you're the happiest man in this retarded world. And i'd blamed myself for being not good enough.

but, you said you ARE happy. you are. and asked me to stop blaming myself. My love, it's not that easy. it's not that simple. All the rejections you've given me, made me who i am now. i dont even feel safe or secure at all. i dont even know whether you love or not. i cant figure you out, at all. you're just like a maze with dead-end in every corner i turned. you asked me to let you in...but you never do the same. why is that? Why i'm the only one who always love the most?


zakariyyaa,
when will you open your eyes and notice me?


i am in front of you.
hoping to reach you, always.


yours truly,

sha

Dear zakariyyaa zainal,

this morning, i woke up with you in my mind. the same as usual. just like the other days, you always there in my thoughts. you never left,-not really. the only thing i'd stop thinking bout you is when i had to go to the loo or doing something serious or when my boss asked me some hard questions. but really, i cant make myself from stopping. thinking bout you probably my stupid hobby now.

i've wondered--

did you ever think of me the way i did? funny. even though i always know the answer. i'm still wondering.

dear you,
this semester hasnt end yet. i still have -to be exact- 18 days left to spend it with you. there's not much time left to be bragged about though. you know... every each second passed by, it killed me lil' bit inside. for i know that this will be the last semester for us to be together. yeah, maybe you're gonna say that i'm the one who want this to end. and you are right. i want this. and i wont go back on my words anymore.

i have 18 days left then i will have to leave you. for good. this time, for good, zakariyyaa. i wont be coming in the middle of the night to you even when you texted me saying that you needed me. i wont be running to you even when you said you needed a hug. i wont be holding you in my arms to make you feel better anymore. i wont be kissing you like how you used to put your cheeks and sexy jaws on my lips.  i wont be there. i wont be here. and you'll not be able to see me again.

i'm sorry but you made me do this.

you know,
every night i'd sleep with this thought of you would love me the way i love you. you 'd miss me the way i miss you. see me the way i see you. but you didnt. you never. and it hurts. it hurts me and got me bleeding for being so dumb and still waiting for you to do so. i dont even know where i stand in front of you. we've been gone through so much till this very day. we shared almost everything yet i still dont have a single clue what am i to you, in your deepest heart. Am i your bestfriend? then what's with the hugs and kisses for? Am i your girlfriend? then why you always keep me in the dark? why this painful feeling exist? you never answered these questions. you just smiled instead. and i'm done asking.


i've lost so many. so so many. most importantly, i've lost myself in my journey to make you fell for me. you know what i mean. and you know what happened. cause you're the one who took me away, slaughtered my soul without any mercy in the middle of the darkness. yet, because i love you... i still forgave you, hugged you and told you 'it's okay' even though i'm dying inside and hoping that Death'd just come and end me right away. it's because i love you. i love you so much that i dont even cared what kinda scars you've left me.

my love,
i only have these 18 days. with this lil' time i have left, let's make the best of it, shall we? i wanna make an everlasting memories. with you. and only you.



yours truly,

sha

banyak benda yang aku mahu luah tapi tak terluah. disebabkan aku terlalu sibuk mengutip cebisan hati dan kepingan daging yang tercampak ke sana sini dek dilanggarnya realiti hidup. terlalu sibuk menjahit organ dan sendi untuk kembali berdiri. terlalu sibuk untuk ke fasa 'move on'. sehingga otak aku hanya muntah aksara sendiri tanpa menyalurkan semua ke jari dan papan kekunci. 

untuk tiga tahun ini, sebenarnya aku biarkan diri aku lemas dalam cinta yang aku cipta sendiri. cinta yang tak pernah wujud. aku mencintai lelaki yang tidak punya rasa yang sama tapi mahu aku berdamping di sisinya selalu. terlalu cinta sampai aku mabuk. mabuk sendiri. memualkan sungguh bila aku tahu kenyataan yang aku ni bodoh tak boleh dibendung. 

tiga tahun

--like come on really!

kalau dihitung mengikut tahun, ye angka 3 itu sedikit aje nilai dia. tapi cuba kau hitung guna hari. kira guna jam dan saat. kau boleh bayangkan sekarang betapa deritanya jiwa aku? seksa aku beritahu kau. tapi aku pilih untuk terus seksa. kerana lelaki ini pegang hati aku secara mutlak.

kalau aku kata aku jatuh cinta dengan lelaki ini saat pertama aku lihat dia di muka pintu studio aku, orang akan percaya ke? mustahil, tapi memang. memang dan sungguh.  cinta kali pertama pandang. jatuh bergolek-golek sehingga hari ni tak mampu aku bangun. sehingga ke hari ini aku masih mengharapkan dia pandang aku semacam mana aku pandang dia. macam mana mata aku akan bergerak mencari dia walaupun dalam beribu manusia. tapi siapalah aku. bermimpi tak sudah.

kadang-kadang aku tertanya kenapa Tuhan tak pernah padamkan perasaan ni walaupun aku dah cuba berkali? Aku yang tak usaha bersungguh ke macam mana? Atau doa aku kena tapis sebenarnya? yelah banyak dosa. Doa tergantung di antara langit dan bumi. hmmm.. mungkin yelah jugak tu. 

lelaki ini sahabat aku. lelaki ini kawan baik aku. lelaki ini lelaki yang aku damba. lelaki ini lelaki yang aku kasih dan cinta. dan lelaki ini juga lelaki yang hancurkan aku, yang menyiatkan hati menjadi cebisan, yang kadangkala aku rasa dia memijak ego aku sedalam-dalam tanah, yang aku rasa meletakkan aku pilihan yang paling akhir dalam dunia. lelaki yang paling penting diri. lelaki yang mahu aku ada tapi tak mahu cinta. lelaki yang mencintai perempuan lain yang tidak mahukan dia sedangkan aku ada. dan yang paling sial... lelaki yang pernah.

aku dah kata ke aku ni bodoh tak boleh dibendung? aku ulang. aku bodoh. kerana tetap sayang dan masih berdiri utuh di sampingnya, tertawa dengan lawak bodohnya, memujuk tatkala dia dalam gelita, memberi jiwa dan raga, berkorban nyawa dan apa saja. 

tetap berdiri di sisi. 

hanya meminta untuk dicinta.

aku takkan tipu.

tentang keberadaan aku. 

kalau kau mencari syahera yang dulu kau kenali, maaf.

dia telah meninggal.

jiwanya hilang ditelan waktu hitam.

yang tinggal hanya jasad luka berparut dikelar kenyataan.

kalau kau mencari syahera yang dulu kau rindui, maaf.

dia telah reput.

hatinya hancur dilanyak peritnya kecewa.

ramai bertanya..

"apa yang kau runsingkan?"

hidup ini mudah, 

--kata kau.

mudah bagi kau yang otaknya dilindungi cahaya girang gilang gemilang.

mudah bagi kau yang otaknya tidak sesempit aku

mudah bagi kau yang hatinya tidak sekecil aku...

aku sedari kecil..

yang mendakapku hanya kegelapan.

yang bersahabat denganku hanya kesunyian.

yang selalu mendukungku hanya keperitan.

kalau aku buka segala pekung di dada..

kau bakal tahu diri ini telah roboh lama

roboh tanpa boleh dibina semula. 

jadi apa yang aku runsingkan?

aku runsingkan AKU

aku yang tidak tahu siapa aku.

life.
is shitty.
i think.


so i havent been writing for ages. i know. but trust me... aku banyak 'menulis' dalam otak aku. kata-kata sumpah seranah. kata-kata benci. dan etc. these past few months (or maybe years?) were shitty. i mean.. like really shitty. ok, ni dah masuk tiga kali aku ulang that shitty word. ok. fourth.

i hate life. so much. sangat benci sampai aku tak nak bangun dari tidur aku. sampai aku tak nak sedut oksigen untuk paru-paru aku. sampai aku tak nak makan untuk perut aku. sampai aku rasa kalau aku hidup dalam koma, that would be great.

yes, i know. that's just stupid. shitty statement. (fifth).

aku tahu. life is much more worth if you look at the bright side. oh! gimme a break will ya?   memanglah. kan? that bright side tu kat mana sebenarnya? depan aku?

you know what i see everytime aku pandang depan?

hatred.


shitty.