Dear zakariyyaa zainal,






hai..... it's been a long time since i let everything out of my chest. well, today it's gonna be one of those days. even though i have nothing to say. but my mind always loaded with words which i couldnt say. it's so frustrating. really, it is.


Zakariyyaa,
you know that we havent got much time left? this Saturday is my last day. Although i did promise you that 13th will be the last day of me but suddenly things changed. my abah asked me to pick him up at the airport this 11th - the day of my birthday. and it also the day i will never ever gonna see you again.

Dear,,
you once asked me why i need to do this? you said nobody asked me to do it. well, my love... i did this for myself. i need to move on. i need to let go of you. i need to stop holding on to something that doesnt even belong to me. you are not mine, sayang. you never wanted to be. and i have to swallow that fact down to my throat. Please dont keep me anymore. Dont lock me in your lil' cage and letting me die pathetically. I want to be free. Free from this love that bound me to the ground.


Sayang,
if you love me, i would never let you go. never cheat on you. never hurt you. never do you wrong.
never. but you didnt. and you have the nerves to even asked me to stay by your side. it's unfair, my love. please dont be so selfish. i am not your puppet. i was your bestfriend and then we were--


i wonder what is inside your semak samun head when you kissed me?
dont you feel the same way like i do?
dont you feel the love?





yours three-days-left-girl,

sha

Dear zakariyyaa zainal

it's been like three days i havent seen you. but i'm already missing you so very much. i slept with your shirt every night, trying to remember how'd you smell like... it's addicting. you are addicting. and i'm addicted to you, my love.

sayang,
did you know i have 15 days left? yes, i counted every single day. like countdown gitu. it's not i'm celebrating this departure. more like trying to be ready when the time comes. i have to be ready living my life without you. i'm adjusting my heart right now, within this lil' time. i know you're gonna be just fine. well... i'm not though.

last night we fought about durian. i wanted to treat you but you said no. and i was sad because of it and decided not to reply your text back. Sayang, did you know every time you rejected me, i took one step back? it's beacause i was hurt - i am hurt. so i need time to heal even for a bit. then you texted me again while i'm in my silent mode. you said, if i have a problem, i should tell you. and of course, i said i dont have any. i know, i must have hurt you with my cold attitude. i'm sorry for that, love. i never meant it that way.

when i returned the question backatcha, you striked me like a thunder bolt. you told me that i was the problem. cuz you dont know what to do when i'm in this state. predict me or predict me not. Then i had to explain everything to you why i'm like that. Sayang, i love you. i really do. All i want is to make you happy but all you ever did was rejecting me. from the very beginning. i know and always knew you never want it any of that, but i'm a person who's gonna devoted myself to the person i love and i would do anything just to make you're the happiest man in this retarded world. And i'd blamed myself for being not good enough.

but, you said you ARE happy. you are. and asked me to stop blaming myself. My love, it's not that easy. it's not that simple. All the rejections you've given me, made me who i am now. i dont even feel safe or secure at all. i dont even know whether you love or not. i cant figure you out, at all. you're just like a maze with dead-end in every corner i turned. you asked me to let you in...but you never do the same. why is that? Why i'm the only one who always love the most?


zakariyyaa,
when will you open your eyes and notice me?


i am in front of you.
hoping to reach you, always.


yours truly,

sha